I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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