I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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