so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
