guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
