mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
