Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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