i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
