someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
