Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
