oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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