here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
