if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
