She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
