A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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