I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
