babies were throwing up all over the place
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Randomize
