she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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