and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
