Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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