I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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