just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
