Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
