pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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