If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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