I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
