Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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