There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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