You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
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Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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