Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
