i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
