do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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