Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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