Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
