Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
