i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
