Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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