Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
