i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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