I'd wear matching sweaters with you
It's like God shit irony all over that family
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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