I have demons in me.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
