Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
soo... how was my night?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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