Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
