I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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