Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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