I think I died a long time ago.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
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It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
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I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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