the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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