I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
