I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Dear god my vagina.
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