I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize