Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
