My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
