It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
