remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
