Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
