Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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