just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
