He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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