Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
