At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
