I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
