I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
