If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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