I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
