She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
