Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
